What part of you still needs excavating?

On feelings and instruments.

I feel like every time I come to this space, I leave some unmet promise. It isn’t for lack of trying. Well, sometimes it is. Coming here requires tapping in to my emotions. Something I want to do. Need to do. Can do. But kind of don’t have the energy for in the ways I think I need to?

I’ve been grappling with systems lately. How most are designed to stop us from feeling. I’m Aquarius. The running joke is we aren’t feeling people. Nothing could be farther from the truth. We feel so deeply, but we are so future minded that it comes off as not being tethered to reality. We feel and want to resolve issues. I keep thinking about how these systems taught me to perform life? Even with the years and years of decolonization work I’ve done internally, how do I still feel at square one sometimes?

Today, I’m talking about anger. Something I feel much more than I acknowledge. How it manifests isn’t always obvious: I set my mind to boycott as many establishments as I can; I channel the energy to my other two projects. I never sit with it. I busy myself because while it’s healthy to feel anger, I still feel pressured that my anger be productive. Yes, I know that’s unhealthy.

Perhaps what I'm really experiencing are bouts of despair—for a world I don't want to imagine I exist within, for the apathetic culture surrounding me. Sometimes, I shove it all down and focus on joy instead—the laughter of my kids, a good playlist that helps me escape.